Painful

...everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.

Letting go of the control my flesh so desperately grapples to keep is definitely painful. It doesn't feel good.

I don't know about you but sometimes I get so caught up in my own thoughts, drawing my own conclusions, holding onto unforgiveness and anger, cherishing my own perceptions/assumptions and nursing hurts and negative thoughts that by the time I come to a place of admitting it all ... it is painful. My flesh really likes it when I get into a pattern that leaves God out just enough so I can go along in life fooling myself that I haven't left Him out at all.

I didn't realize I could be so good at it actually. I know just the places to go in the Bible where my current sins won't be addressed. If I'm holding unforgiveness in my heart or if I'm angry and just don't feel like giving it up right this minute or if I know the Lord has required a thing of me that I've ignored... I can still pray (on some level), I can still praise Him (on some level), I can still read my Bible (in certain places) without addressing my sin. It's true. You know it is.

But one thing I CANNOT do successfully (while in this fooling myself state) is worship my Lord. Not fully. Maybe it's just me. But I CANNOT.

Worship always requires my yieldedness. It requires honesty. Deep down revealing honesty and abandonment. Once my heart is willing and then yielded fully to the Spirit of God honesty is the result. Truthful honesty.

Wholly and completely in love with God and yielding to His love, His goodness, His mercy, His light... there are no words... It is Him ... as I worship Him He fills me up with His manifest presence. He floods my soul with all that is good and I feel I will burst from the brightness that washes over me. I've nothing left but to freely and without hesitation release all that nasty sinful ugliness I had just a moment prior thought was wrapped up so tidy in my heart for safe keeping.

Why? Why did I ever want to hoard it? Why did I ever let it get to the point of fooling myself that I wasn't doing just that? Sin is tricky. And believers are warned to strip it off/lay it aside as it can so easily hinder our progress* when we don't. Oh, that's right. My anger and my hurt is justified. There is good reason for me to nurse it. After all if I let it go I'll then have to forgive and release all parties involved. Nope. Not doing it. Not right now. It was too awful. I have to figure it out first. Then I'll decide what/if/when/how much I'll forgive. And the cycle of letting my flesh have its way begins. That's how it happens. That's how I get there.

The only solution is time with my Savior. Worship. Yielded to Him fully. Sweet surrender. Honest before Him.

Honesty is painful. Painful to my flesh.

*Scripture reference: Hebrews 12

Utter Dependence

...everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.

I don't think I know what it means entirely. What I do know is that at times when my heart is the softest and most pliable before my Lord it is a phrase that comes up from the deepest parts of me. I boldly say the words to Him in that place of surrender. Those words when voiced aloud to Him seem to have life. Like stirring up all the most important/intimate/meaningful parts of my soul and pouring them out before Him so nothing is left. Nothing to hide. Nothing to keep for myself. Nothing but abandon. And it feels so good!

Isn't it odd? When I think of what abandon involves the very meaning of it intimates loss. Which seems to be the idea. Because what it turns out to be in the most remarkable spiritual encounters is the loss of all hurt, pain, anger, unforgiveness, selfish ambition, revenge, and pride. 

There is a PRIMARY thing God requires from his children. It's a thing He will not do FOR us.

Right after James* tells us that friendship with the world makes us an enemy of God and that if our aim is to enjoy this world we can't be a friend of God... He reminds us that God gives us more and more strength to stand against such evil desires.

So HUMBLE YOURSELF before God*.

Resist the devil*.

He will flee from you*.

When we bow down before the Lord and admit our dependence on Him, He will lift us up and give us honor*.

In my weakest human state of humility and utter dependence on God I am the strongest spiritually. When I'm strong spiritually I become strong in every other area... mentally, physically, socially. Ready to be of use to the kingdom.

More and more grace is available as I let go completely and truly give way to utter dependence on my Master.

It's just the way God does things. And I love Him with all my heart for it.

*Scripture reference: James 4:4-10